The Day the Light Overtakes Me …

A // W // F

Yesterday, I walk into the woods and into autumn’s first blush:  red dogwoods and the crackle of dry leaves underfoot.

And I find myself breathing a deep sigh that feels — strangely — like relief.

Autumn is usually a hard season for me, in spite of the goodness of hot cider and apple-picking, boots and flannel and blankets.  I guess that’s because I’m a summer girl, and fall spells the end of a season in which I feel most alive, most myself.  Usually, I walk into the red-tinted forest and feel the first breath of winter on the wind.  The death of everything green.

But this year is different.

This year, along with the fear, I feel hope.

*

Can I tell you a secret — a secret that those who love me best already know?  This has been a hard summer for me.  I’ve made some terrible relational decisions in recent months — trusted people I should have held at arm’s length.  Allowed my patience to be mistaken for permissiveness. My kindness stretched into shapes that felt all wrong.

And believe me:  I don’t say this with even a hint of self-pity…  This is no one’s fault but mine.

As a result, I’ve walked around for half the summer with a shadow perched on my shoulder, the way some old ladies carry a trained monkey or a pet parakeet.  On the bad days, that shadow dug its claws into my clavicle, pressed a beak to my ear and muttered the same three mocking phrases over and over again — I won’t repeat them here — until it was hard to hear the song of the cicadas.

The wind in the treetops.

The water over the rocks.

But…

*

In the midst of this season of shadows, I’ve been finding light strewn across my path right and left.

I can’t even begin to put into words the way my cup has been overflowing lately:  the way new friends and old friends and complete strangers have showered me with love and affection, openness and positivity and joy.  They’ve done this without being asked to do so, without even knowing why I needed it.  Sometimes I’ve felt like a beggar on the side of the road, opening my palms as each stranger passes, and one day God himself walked by and, instead of dropping a coin in my cupped hands, he heaped on me so many handfuls of gold that I don’t know what to do with it all.

And I know I’m mixing metaphors.  Leaving so much unsaid.  So I’ll just say this:

Like so many things, the joy and the pain, the shadow and light come wrapped together in the same box.

And this, too, is beauty.

*

So yesterday:  I walk into the forest.

The light is lying there on the path, hard-angled and very gold.

And I don’t know why, but suddenly I want to know what my face looks like, in this moment.  I want to capture the sight of myself in this strange season — a season of Shadow and Light — which is beginning to feel not at all like Autumn, but like a second Spring.

So I pull out my iPhone.

I hold it up and take a photo of myself without looking.

I take another photo.

And another.

And after a moment or two, I look down again and scroll through the images I’ve just taken, and I see this:

light4

And this:

light2

And this:

light3

I see myself for exactly what I am:  a frail, foolish and good-hearted creature, being overtaken completely by the Light.

light5

You, too. ❤

///

{Wondering why I take photos of myself?  Self-portraiture is one of the best and most beautiful things that’s happened to me.  You can read about my body-image project, Same Body, Second Glance, here.  I hope you’ll take a few photos of your own. <3}

402 Comments

    1. Thank you, Zak!! 🙂 It’s been crazy and strange and fun all at the same time… Thousands of views since it went up, and more comments than I’ve had time to moderate. I’ll have to write a blog post about it sometime, just because it’s such an interesting experience.

      So glad you made it to the party!! 🙂

      Liked by 5 people

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      1. For someone who is so inspirational to me I am very happy that you’re finally getting a lot of recognition! I am also very grateful that you still follow my blog, I hope to be reading yours for years to come. You rock more!

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  9. I find a bit of myself echoed in your words. The hard season of life, the mistakes, the shadow that seems to consume you….. And then the light. God’s grace heaped in abundance and overflowing. The relief, the joy, the weight being lifted off your shoulders. I’m sure you’re already getting a glimpse of it now, but one day you will be able to look back and see how He worked it all for good. How the hard times have shaped you into the beautiful creature you are.
    Thank you for sharing! 🙂

    Liked by 12 people

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    1. I love your words, June … They fell on me as genuine kindness today, and I’ll take them.

      All of them. ❤

      Appreciate you being here and spreading a little light with me. Hope it's returned to you tenfold today. 🙂

      Liked by 5 people

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        1. It’s so neat to think that you’re reading from half a world away. 🙂 I know so very little about Sri Lanka … Only, perhaps, what I’ve experienced from reading Michael Ondaatje’s beautiful work.

          Do you have an Autumn where you are? 🙂

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  12. Hello, I am new to your blog. Congrats on being freshly pressed!

    It’s sorta interesting you chose the black and white photo-manipulation on your I-phone to express that moment and the light… makes you seem like you’re in a cinema-noir kind of film feature to me! I long for the colors of autumn and golden sunlight in the pictures, after your writing described that… (hope this doesn’t sound critical) I just wonder why you went with the black and white… and not the actual “pure light” or color as you were so moved by them. This is a technical question about your process and not a “you should have done different” one, just to be clear.

    Anyhow, I love portraits of all kinds and wish you further success!

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    1. I love your question!! 🙂

      My blog is mostly made up of black-and-white photographs. Every once in awhile, I’ll experiment with color, but for the most part black-and-white just feels more honest to me. Which sounds counterintuitive, but I’ve found that color hides a *lot* of honest expressions in a person’s face and body, and when you strip that away, you’re more likely to see texture, shadows, fine lines, and the way the musculature is moving beneath the skin. Which of course is how we express emotion.

      I actually wrote about my aesthetic development as a photographer and my obsession with black-and-white in one of my earliest posts, and if you’re ever interested you can read it here: http://wp.me/p5efeV-26

      Yours is one of the most thoughtful and interesting comments I’ve encountered all day. Thank you!! And I’m so glad you’re here! ❤

      Liked by 4 people

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      1. Thank you for taking time to reply. Some artists don’t want to talk about their process, or approach, but with a medium like photography I think these conversations about “aesthetic” choices matter in a different way than other art forms. The line between documenting the “real” experience and the artistic license seems to be a discussion among so many photographers especially with the digital camera entering into and altering the conversations.

        So, that being said, I like how you’re connected to the “honesty” of the black and white and seeking the intimacy from it. Your writing was both a contrast and compliment to the portraits (in the seemingly “counterintuitive” as you say). And for the record, you don’t appear goofy at at all. Playful… not goofy.

        I am happy you provided me with a link to your earlier post about your development and look forward to reading that soon. I’m definitely interested to learn more from you.

        I have a painter friend who has painted many of her self portraits in black and white and now I’d like to ask her why!

        Thank you for providing some more ways of looking and for your openness.

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        1. I’m just fascinated by your thoughts here … Such an engaging series of comments. 🙂

          That reality-vs.-artistic license discussion *is* so important. I’d love to hear your artist friend’s thoughts, too, and your own, since I constantly struggle with how to produce the most sincere images possible. I love contemplating other approaches and hearing how others think.

          Thank you for being such a genuine reader here … I truly look forward to following you!! 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

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          1. I think you don’t need to worry about sincerity in your work. I still need to read your earlier post but as I can tell so far…your work is open and personal and about the female portrait and body (perceptions as subject/maybe as object?/as experiential whole human being, as celebrated being, and there’s a relationship to (or) a looking back at the viewer that happens in portraits… etc.) that all resonates sincerely.
            Abstract art isn’t “insincere” and costumes, masks, make up, lighting etc. are just different vehicles or forms to channel different archetypes which are sincere expressions of a whole human being too, in my opinion. I like those ways of story telling for a different reason. I think that’s why children learn so much just by playing. And why I feel your playfulness (where you wrote you felt goofy) works for you intuitively too… so don’t “struggle” just keep doing what you’re doing!
            My question was because your choice to use black and white actually made me wonder… because of the light… and how the writing and photos are strong side by side but different even though they are going the same direction. Working together, but still… an interesting contrasting choice. And so pausing to wonder was a good “drawing in to” your work and not at all a question of authenticity, just so you know where I’m coming from.
            The conversation that’s going on with I-phone photography vs. digital. vs. old school film as well as the one about: is there any such thing as a real documentary? (as we question P.O.V. ~who is telling the story and how is it edited) will forever make the conversation lively, but I don’t think we should worry too much about any of it. We should just explore and create and allow all the ways it happens and make good art(s).
            But so wow, thanks for allowing me to ramble!!!! Sure hope I wasn’t being a big old know it all to you. I get caught up. My sincere apologies. 🙂
            I will be reading more of your work this weekend and definitely share with others. Thanks again for taking the time.
            Tabs

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            1. No apologies necessary, Tabs! 🙂 I honestly love these kind of conversations — it’s like a brief little moment where the internet feels like an intimate salon in somebody’s home, with a fire in the fireplace, wine, music, & good conversation with people with interesting perspectives. 🙂

              My favorite two things in the world are 1) new things to learn and 3) new people to learn with. Thanks for being both in these comments. 🙂

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  13. This post is absolutely beautiful! The imagery, message, and pictures, all gorgeous!And I especially love the line “a season of Shadow and Light”, very evocative. 😀

    Liked by 13 people

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    1. I’m sorry it’s been hard. 😦 But I’m hoping you’re feeling better and finding the light! 🙂

      Truly, one of the BEST things about blogging is stumbling over words that remind us that we’re not alone, not crazy, not lost … Just human.

      Thank you for understanding, and saying so.

      Sending some sunshine your way!!

      Liked by 4 people

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  20. who would’ve thought that a random browse would unlock new avenues for thought provocation…beautifully crafted and the symphony among the words render a touch of divine vulnerability to this. autumn is the season that does it; the change of winds…the rustic leaves.
    I loved it. thank you. 🙂
    P.S.- would appreciate if you would read and follow my newly created blog- http://www.thewhimsicalandwanderingsoul.wordpress.com

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  21. Autumn is my favourite time of year. I write so many poems on it. The starlit autumn sky is amazing also and i love the leaves falling and its romantic

    Liked by 10 people

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      1. Hello again, 🙂 It’s me Tabby.

        I don’t mean to intrude on your dialogue with Rahul, but the comment about “gold coins beggaring reference” and your emoji face in the reply made me wonder if Rahul was talking about the 1925 (I think that’s the date) black and white silent film called “Greed” where the light and the sun are also in metaphor with gold coins and the filmmaker tinted some parts of the film with actual gold.

        Here are some quotes (first one from the film maker about his intentions):

        “I intended to show men and women as they are all over the world, none of them perfect, with their good and bad qualities, their noble and idealistic sides and their jealous, vicious, mean and greedy sides. I was not going to compromise. I felt that after the last war, the motion picture going public had tired of the cinematographic ‘chocolate éclairs’ which had been stuffed down their throats and which had in a large degree figuratively ruined their stomachs with this overdose of Saccharose in pictures. Now, I felt, they were ready for a large bowl of plebeian but honest corned beef and cabbage’.”
        —Erich von Stroheim.[4]

        (And the second quote is about “documentary P.O.V.” like when I was asking you why your chose the medium of black and white to express the light you were narrating, in my original question to you):

        “Von Stroheim’s biographer Arthur Lennig compared the director’s visual style to D. W. Griffith but felt “unlike Griffith, who viewed scenes as though through a fourth wall, Stroheim shot from many sides and from different angles; he also used deep-focus, meaningful foregrounds and effective camera movement.”[52] Greed‍ ’​s lighting included high contrast, chiaroscurotechniques with pools or shafts of lights illuminating an otherwise dark space.”

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handschiegl_color_process

        symbols in the narrative included:

        “Gold-related objects in the black-and-white film (i.e., gold coins, gold plates and vessels, gold tooth fillings, a giant gold tooth, a brass bedstead, gilt frames, the birdcage, the canary, and gold itself) were hand-tinted frame-by-frame in the original release prints.”

        Anyhow, I hope this didn’t take up too much of your comment space and made some sense why I am making the connections! “Greed” was a mandatory film I had to study in school, so that’s why I’m going nerd on you, btw. It’s not a “positive” film as stories go, It’s a big long downer!! but it’s contribution to film-history and image making was a positive.

        Best wishes and I hope you’re having mucho fun making inspiring images your own wonderful way! 🙂

        peace to you.

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        Reply

        1. Tabby, thank you for this! I was completely fascinated by your thoughts here. I have to admit that I’ve never seen “Greed,” but now I really want to. 🙂 Completely fascinating …

          I’ve always been intrigued by art that somehow weaves a piece of its subject into the raw material of its making … What you’re describing sounds very much within those lines. And of course, you know by now that I am much in love with shafts of light pushing through darkness. A little bit like the filmmaker, perhaps, I tend to stray toward the belief that people, and art in general, are tinged with both gentleness and terror, goodness and evil, shadow and light — brokenness that still speaks of the unbroken state, to put it simply — and that these things work together to create beauty.

          Every comment you make gets my neurons firing … so THANK YOU!!! 🙂

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  29. I always loved Autumn! I feel its the most romantic season of the year after monsoon! I am blessed that I passed through your post! Enjoyed reading it! Awesome post dear. 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

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    1. Well, thank you for that. 🙂

      I’ve learned the only way I can really write is to do so without trying very hard or thinking too much. So I love that it sounds effortless… What a kind thing to say.

      Hope you’re having a beautiful day!!

      Liked by 2 people

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