The Day the Light Overtakes Me …

A // W // F

Yesterday, I walk into the woods and into autumn’s first blush:  red dogwoods and the crackle of dry leaves underfoot.

And I find myself breathing a deep sigh that feels — strangely — like relief.

Autumn is usually a hard season for me, in spite of the goodness of hot cider and apple-picking, boots and flannel and blankets.  I guess that’s because I’m a summer girl, and fall spells the end of a season in which I feel most alive, most myself.  Usually, I walk into the red-tinted forest and feel the first breath of winter on the wind.  The death of everything green.

But this year is different.

This year, along with the fear, I feel hope.

*

Can I tell you a secret — a secret that those who love me best already know?  This has been a hard summer for me.  I’ve made some terrible relational decisions in recent months — trusted people I should have held at arm’s length.  Allowed my patience to be mistaken for permissiveness. My kindness stretched into shapes that felt all wrong.

And believe me:  I don’t say this with even a hint of self-pity…  This is no one’s fault but mine.

As a result, I’ve walked around for half the summer with a shadow perched on my shoulder, the way some old ladies carry a trained monkey or a pet parakeet.  On the bad days, that shadow dug its claws into my clavicle, pressed a beak to my ear and muttered the same three mocking phrases over and over again — I won’t repeat them here — until it was hard to hear the song of the cicadas.

The wind in the treetops.

The water over the rocks.

But…

*

In the midst of this season of shadows, I’ve been finding light strewn across my path right and left.

I can’t even begin to put into words the way my cup has been overflowing lately:  the way new friends and old friends and complete strangers have showered me with love and affection, openness and positivity and joy.  They’ve done this without being asked to do so, without even knowing why I needed it.  Sometimes I’ve felt like a beggar on the side of the road, opening my palms as each stranger passes, and one day God himself walked by and, instead of dropping a coin in my cupped hands, he heaped on me so many handfuls of gold that I don’t know what to do with it all.

And I know I’m mixing metaphors.  Leaving so much unsaid.  So I’ll just say this:

Like so many things, the joy and the pain, the shadow and light come wrapped together in the same box.

And this, too, is beauty.

*

So yesterday:  I walk into the forest.

The light is lying there on the path, hard-angled and very gold.

And I don’t know why, but suddenly I want to know what my face looks like, in this moment.  I want to capture the sight of myself in this strange season — a season of Shadow and Light — which is beginning to feel not at all like Autumn, but like a second Spring.

So I pull out my iPhone.

I hold it up and take a photo of myself without looking.

I take another photo.

And another.

And after a moment or two, I look down again and scroll through the images I’ve just taken, and I see this:

light4

And this:

light2

And this:

light3

I see myself for exactly what I am:  a frail, foolish and good-hearted creature, being overtaken completely by the Light.

light5

You, too. ❤

///

{Wondering why I take photos of myself?  Self-portraiture is one of the best and most beautiful things that’s happened to me.  You can read about my body-image project, Same Body, Second Glance, here.  I hope you’ll take a few photos of your own. <3}

402 Comments

    1. Just wanted to say thanks for your sweet words. I couldn’t stop writing if I tried. As for publishing — when the time is right, perhaps. I have a lot to say, but it’s sometimes hard for me to put it out there.

      Thank you for your vote of confidence, friend. Means a lot. ❤

      Liked by 5 people

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  5. I like the readings , it is nice to express a moment you ll keep close to yourself. It presented therefore more than just I story what often does tell me nothing in here . To me the second image tells everything, “AWF” .You are truly interacting and surprised in line what you wrote . The others , the interaction is happened and is described as such . The last one , “nice blouse ” . well done , cheers bart

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  6. I loved reading this, I felt like your words really struck a cord with me. I had a really tough time this time last year, and I think what you’ve written really reminds me of that time. Your a beautiful writer. ❤

    Liked by 11 people

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  7. I love how you characterized the shadow over your thoughts as a parrot on your shoulder, constantly reminding you of the uncomfortable events and thoughts in your life. I’m glad you’ve found some hope, some light. And – bonus – no squawking bird on your shoulder in those lovely selfies. Guess you scared him off for a while. ♡

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  12. Loved reading this. I am a new blogger. Instead of trying to promote my blogs through your comments, I just wanted to say this was the first blog I have read as I enter this new world. Very inspiring towards how I want to share my own voice. Can’t wait to read more from you 🙂

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        2. Hello Andrea! Your intro is lovely. I’m a new blogger too. I absolutely love writing and thus pen down things which I like to keep in mind. I feel that words have a certain power and influence us in unthinkable ways. Nice to have you here! Hope to interact with you soon! 🙂

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  16. those pictures are awesome and those are great and your words are really good. I am a freshman in the enoromous wordpress world. I just started blogging yesterday. As you all know, every freshman need a positive feedback from the superfast bloggers. So I’m expecting a very worm welcome from you. You can visit my Blog so that I can share my Feelings to you. looking for a positive feedback https://domaincombd.wordpress.com/ Thank you. Have a nice day.

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  22. Pingback: The Day the Light Overtakes Me … | Jodie Typn

    1. Thank you!! 🙂 This year I’m making it a point to really celebrate Fall–not just its beauty, but also the way it makes space for what’s new.

      And we all need a little new.

      Welcome. I really appreciate your presence here and your kind words. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

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  27. This is really cool! I’m a new blogger, just got in yesterday tho and scanning through posts and discovered yours. I hope to read more from you and pray people follow me and enjoy my posts too the way I enjoyed yours

    Liked by 8 people

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  29. First, amazing photography. Second, you touched a chord with your ‘this summer has been hard for me’. I understand perfectly, because in the recent past I have gone through similar. I have now walked away from those associations and there is peace within me.

    Liked by 8 people

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    1. Thank you, lady. I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing a hard summer too. ❤

      I'm finding that it can be painful to let go of negative relationships, but it frees me to make space for better things. And yes, oh that peace. I'll take two heaping scoops of that, please!! 🙂

      I'm so glad you found a little resonance and encouragement here … Wishing you lots of loveliness and light today as you walk into your own new season. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 3 people

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  30. I love this. I love the way you intricately describe the changes in seasons and reasons. Some decisions when done is done. But then again whatever we gone through in life, days pass, but seasons remains. It’s up to us how we will perceive what each season brings to us and how we will adopt to it. despite of our preferences, some things are still constant, that after the dark surely light will comes in. and in light of everything…TIME still be the guiding factor that despite of everything whatever it is, It too shall pass. Very interesting piece and I appreciate the way you share how you appreciate yourself regardless off whatever you are going through…

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    1. Thank you for those words. You’re so right — the sun *always* comes again. And day after day, month after month, year after year, this old earth keeps turning, steady and sure — reminding us that that’s true.

      Grateful. ❤

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  33. You have the makings of a poet ma lady, you have a deep passion and rare appreciation for words. It is a jewel in itself that complements itself and I am pleased to have read this article this afternoon. However, if you would permit my saying so I would suggest you thread more carefully when approaching the borders of the abstract. A great many people cannot understand what you are saying. I confess, myself included. I like the construction apart from your beginning with Yesterday (which refers to the past therfore past tense) then following it up with “Walking” (present tense) instead of “I walked” (past tense). I felt you had a gem in the message that I totally missed because you bordered too closely to the abstract which you haven’t mastered yet but I have no doubt you will someday with a natural talent for words as yours. Anyway I just thought I would mention it because I am pretty taken by your writing and would love to see more of it, as I’m sure the rest of the world does too. I take my hat off for you once more. Well done.

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    1. Well, thank you for your thoughts!!:)

      I don’t use this space as a place for finished work or honed and edited pieces — mostly just as a journal full of therapeutic scribblings. And that’s very much true for the post you’ve read here today.

      I completely hear you on the abstraction. For now, though, it’s necessary for me to write about these issues from oblique angles, both to protect my own heart from the pain of the situation, and also to be sensitive to the individuals whose story intersects with mine.

      There will be a day when I can write about this subject more directly, but for now, abstraction is what is necessary and good for *me* — which is simply more important than what is necessary and good for the reader.

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting so thoughtfully. It’s fun to see a different kind of blogger interacting in this space. 🙂

      I hope you’ll visit again soon!

      Liked by 3 people

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      1. Good Evening ma lady, I’m honoured by the privilege. Your answer completely satisfies my questions as it completely illuminated your Reason behind your writing style, leaving no part or angle of my questions in the dark. Your thoughts are truly wonderful and you should never cease to express them. I’ll be honoured to be back for more. Please accept my prayers & best wishes I humbly extend to you.

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  37. Words are a of expression, i always say: “my words my strength” im taken by ur blog, im new in blogging but with the few articles i have written so far it has become therapy for me to express my thoughts,feelings and wonders the many wonders of life. Thank u im already a fan.

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  42. Everyone gets played and fools others. Adversity and prosperity is one in the same when utilizing patience. Virtues brighten up the darkness, like stars in the night sky. I’m glad you are enjoying this Autumn, and hope there are many more to come that you will enjoy. Stay positive and keep learning from your mistakes.

    Liked by 8 people

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    1. Absolute truth. 🙂

      I love people — I absolutely *love* people — and my instinct is to stubbornly see the best in everybody. Like most things, that’s both a blessing and a curse, and I am learning — slowly — to do a better job
      protecting myself from those who would take advantage of it.

      Thanks for the reminder — I need it, and often!! 🙂

      And welcome!

      Liked by 3 people

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