The Day the Light Overtakes Me …

A // W // F

Yesterday, I walk into the woods and into autumn’s first blush:  red dogwoods and the crackle of dry leaves underfoot.

And I find myself breathing a deep sigh that feels — strangely — like relief.

Autumn is usually a hard season for me, in spite of the goodness of hot cider and apple-picking, boots and flannel and blankets.  I guess that’s because I’m a summer girl, and fall spells the end of a season in which I feel most alive, most myself.  Usually, I walk into the red-tinted forest and feel the first breath of winter on the wind.  The death of everything green.

But this year is different.

This year, along with the fear, I feel hope.

*

Can I tell you a secret — a secret that those who love me best already know?  This has been a hard summer for me.  I’ve made some terrible relational decisions in recent months — trusted people I should have held at arm’s length.  Allowed my patience to be mistaken for permissiveness. My kindness stretched into shapes that felt all wrong.

And believe me:  I don’t say this with even a hint of self-pity…  This is no one’s fault but mine.

As a result, I’ve walked around for half the summer with a shadow perched on my shoulder, the way some old ladies carry a trained monkey or a pet parakeet.  On the bad days, that shadow dug its claws into my clavicle, pressed a beak to my ear and muttered the same three mocking phrases over and over again — I won’t repeat them here — until it was hard to hear the song of the cicadas.

The wind in the treetops.

The water over the rocks.

But…

*

In the midst of this season of shadows, I’ve been finding light strewn across my path right and left.

I can’t even begin to put into words the way my cup has been overflowing lately:  the way new friends and old friends and complete strangers have showered me with love and affection, openness and positivity and joy.  They’ve done this without being asked to do so, without even knowing why I needed it.  Sometimes I’ve felt like a beggar on the side of the road, opening my palms as each stranger passes, and one day God himself walked by and, instead of dropping a coin in my cupped hands, he heaped on me so many handfuls of gold that I don’t know what to do with it all.

And I know I’m mixing metaphors.  Leaving so much unsaid.  So I’ll just say this:

Like so many things, the joy and the pain, the shadow and light come wrapped together in the same box.

And this, too, is beauty.

*

So yesterday:  I walk into the forest.

The light is lying there on the path, hard-angled and very gold.

And I don’t know why, but suddenly I want to know what my face looks like, in this moment.  I want to capture the sight of myself in this strange season — a season of Shadow and Light — which is beginning to feel not at all like Autumn, but like a second Spring.

So I pull out my iPhone.

I hold it up and take a photo of myself without looking.

I take another photo.

And another.

And after a moment or two, I look down again and scroll through the images I’ve just taken, and I see this:

light4

And this:

light2

And this:

light3

I see myself for exactly what I am:  a frail, foolish and good-hearted creature, being overtaken completely by the Light.

light5

You, too. ❤

///

{Wondering why I take photos of myself?  Self-portraiture is one of the best and most beautiful things that’s happened to me.  You can read about my body-image project, Same Body, Second Glance, here.  I hope you’ll take a few photos of your own. <3}

402 Comments

  2. I can relate. People don’t take me serious; as a mother a fellow parent, mistaken my kindness for weakness, they assume when I go to that next level of thought, define it as overthinking. My intelligence is often ignored and all they see is a pretty girl and forget I have a mind of my own. Some people act like they care and then all the pieces come together and I realized I was played. Manipulated even! Others problem can not be made yours, easier said than done. I don’t trust easily and when I wanted to trust, I should have listened to my gut. I hope it gets easier for you as I hope to eat my words. The game they play is child’s play, check and mate. Let them get on your level, not slide down the shoot to climb out of that darkness. Stay in the light. Xoxo, Coco

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  4. WOW, that was awesome, thank you for being vulnerable. I imagine the pain of the interpersonal relationships and I hope your heart heals to the utmost, I know some hurts leave scars and sadly we must bear them and wait for them to fade.

    I am impressed with your honesty, thank you for it.

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    1. What kind words … Thank you. It’s been a little while now since I wrote them, and with each day that passes I see more and more that the place I am now is just so much better.

      Life has a way of returning all that we lost, with interest … Sometimes with so much generosity it’s almost an embarrassment of riches. That’s how I’m feeling lately. 🙂

      I appreciate your encouragement … So much. ❤

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      1. Hi A // W // F,

        You have been a great example for me. Would you be willing to take a look at my posts and give your honest feedback? I desperately want to connect with people through my truthful depiction of myself. You do that so well!

        Sincerely,

        Frederick

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    1. Thank you. ❤ I spent a little time over at your blog today, and felt encouraged see your own situations turning to light.

      Hang on.

      Take joy.

      Take hope.

      And keep being beautiful You. ❤

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  11. “And believe me: I don’t say this with even a hint of self-pity… This is no one’s fault but mine” this portrays a high level of awareness, which is a key element for happiness despite going through experience whether its failed relationships or trusting the wrong people. What’s important though is that you do not blame yourself, you have no need for that; you only need to love and forgive yourself.
    Beautiful pictures by the way 🙂

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    1. You’re so right.

      Because I have a gentle heart, I can be a terrible pushover sometimes, tolerating a lot of behaviors and situations that make me unhappy. I’m gradually learning that if someone is hurting me, especially for a period of time, it’s my responsibility to do something about it.

      And you’re exactly on point: taking responsibility doesn’t require me to blame myself or to bear a continued sense of guilt (I can be bad about that too).

      Thank you for the reminder. I’m grateful. ❤

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      1. It amazes me how much your words describe my old self that I’m saying goodbye too gradually since months ago.

        I too was a pushover, actually I used the term doormat, I allowed people to do/say things that hurt my feelings and never had the courage to speak up for myself. All that changed when I learned to love myself; I learned that I only needed to love and forgive myself. To pamper myself, and give myself all love, acceptance, and approval that I have so desperately sought from others in the past. Now instead of the doormat I have become the door that allows kindness in and keeps hurtful words and actions out 🙂

        When I loved myself my world shifted; really. I learned that speaking up for myself and setting boundaries is one big and important form of self love. I learned that I can’t control what others say and do, but I can control how I react to that in a healthy way: set boundaries instead of avoidance, speak up instead of keeping it inside feeling hurt and slowly withdrawing from the hurting party, and finally releasing the incident with love and letting go, which becomes possible due to dealing with it rather than pushing it constantly to the back of my mind.

        Sorry for the long post, I have benefited from many teachers since I embarked on my transformation such as Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer and others. I have recognized part of myself in you, and I also perceive you as a kind-hearted person, so I really want to share my lessons with you and others, I hope you find them useful and they lead you to your happy state.

        I wrote a few posts in my blog about self love, acceptance, deservedness, and my being a doormat, please feel free to to take a look and I look forward to hearing your thoughts if you wish to share them 🙂

        Bottom line: you only need love and forgiveness for yourself and others. Your life has no room for guilt, shame, blame, hate, anger, sadness or resentment. You simply don’t need them!

        Last but not least I wish you and the rest of the world a lovely day! 🙂

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        2. Learning to love myself has been instrumental in my own personal journey, as well. I completely agree! Have you ever read anything by Brene Brown? Her Ted talk “The Power of Vulnerability” was my first baby step into this strange new world.

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            1. It’s amazing! She has also written several books. I read “The Gifts of Imperfection” while I was in treatment and it helped shift my whole perspective. I wish you well. Love your post and your writing!

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  15. Beautiful photography and so poetically written. It is not easy to express self awareness in the way you have done here. I admire your ability and creative talent.

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  21. I love the vulnerability, cloaked in metaphors and beautiful words. This is a fantastic piece…of your heart. Thanks for sharing with the rest of us. There’s a big #metoo in all of this, even if Autumn is already my favorite season. Thanks again.

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  26. Yes, the forest is a wonderful place to find out more about yourself (though I can’t get there anymore). Though it has always bee there… Many of us bury life’s truths so far down we forget about them and do foolish things (yes, me included). The forest helps us reconnect with these truths in a most gentle way. Sometimes we are unaware of the revelations until well after our journey through it.
    Well written, both by yourself and your friends, and great images!

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    1. Thank you for that!!

      I feel just as you do about the forest — a very contemplative and soul-cleansing place for me.

      Thank you for being here and for taking the time to reach out. ❤

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  30. This is.. Beautiful. Honestly, this sounds so strangely familiar to the twists and turns my path has taken that it made me both smile and frown. I know this was for you, but I can relate to this on such a deep level. And you wrote it so eloquently. 🙂

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  32. Pingback: The Day the Light Overtakes Me … | charmainefelicity

  42. It’s a beautiful sensation..reading about your owns….excuse my imperfect English…. Too much time I don’t practice it..
    Me too I’d felt like you…but light is on me…and I’ll go on….forever….

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  45. Never happened to me before. I read your lines, and it seems like we have gone through a similar kind of summer: decisions made to keep our lives free, shiny and warm getting rid of relations that won`t fill our lives with joy anymore, although we may have reanimated them many times. And this light that shines on you is so full of hope and peace, it is encouraging and brings lightness to this autumn day, even overhere in Germany. Thank you!

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  47. That was God revealing Himself to you through His Light. Oh what a wonderful post. I have seen Him reveal His light to me, showing it forth in a room that should have been darken. I would end up writing a poem about it. Many blessings to you.

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